Chronicles

I'm a mess.
Depression is messy.

Hi. I'm EoS. Today is May 26, 2018 and I hate myself.
I feel detached from my body and only feel the pain.

I keep destroying things. I want to have friendships and relationships but I sabotage them because I hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me.
I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the argument with hubs. Maybe it was him telling me that we either needed to see a therapist or get a divorce. That was the thing he said to me that hurt the most. We can't work this out ourselves?
I've already been divorced. I don't know that I wanna do it again.

What does that say about me, though?
That those are our options.
I didn't really cry while we were arguing. Even when he was standing up shouting at me, I didn't cry. I feel like, in the moment when things are happening, I forget to emote. I heard everything he said to me, I just didn't feel anything about it.

I don't feel anything about anything anymore. I could die and be fine with it. That isn't to say that I am in any way suicidal -- I'd just be cool with it if it happened.

But the kids. I smile for them. They fill me with genuine joy. Nothing else does as much as they do.

The people I chat with can get me to smile. Hubs can too, sometimes.

This is all a mess.

It's a mess.

I'm a mess.