Today I am not serene. It has been about 3 days since I felt a genuine emotion around people other than the kids. The kids are happiness all the time. They are the embodiment of joy and light and sunshine and right now, I'm a bottomless pit. I am the abyss.
I can only hope they don't see my abyss when they look at me.
I don't want anyone to touch me. Or look at me. Or come near me. I can't. I just cannot.
I know that none of it is true. I know I'm not awful. I know I'm not a steaming pile of shit. But that doesn't stop my brain from telling me that and it doesn't stop me from listening.
I'm wandering through music. Have been for an hour now. Listening to music that is lyrics and no music -- like when people remove the music track and just leave the vocals.
It is making my heart a little lighter.
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