Today

Today I am not serene. It has been about 3 days since I felt a genuine emotion around people other than the kids. The kids are happiness all the time. They are the embodiment of joy and light and sunshine and right now, I'm a bottomless pit. I am the abyss.
I can only hope they don't see my abyss when they look at me.

I don't want anyone to touch me. Or look at me. Or come near me. I can't. I just cannot.
I know that none of it is true. I know I'm not awful. I know I'm not a steaming pile of shit. But that doesn't stop my brain from telling me that and it doesn't stop me from listening.
I'm wandering through music. Have been for an hour now. Listening to music that is lyrics and no music -- like when people remove the music track and just leave the vocals.
It is making my heart a little lighter.

Especially if it sucks.

writing when you're depressed is a battle. You do write but all you can think is, "well, this is crap."

or, "my handwriting is awful."
"no one would read that."
"pick a better word."

But really, it has nothing to do with your writing. That little voice is an asshole

- and a liar.

So you think, "let's try green ink" -- "maybe that will help." So you try.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes you get the beginning of a blog post that seems almost publishable. 

Other times you get papers ripped out of notebooks or deleted letters off a notepad because BY GOD, THAT'S SHIT.

Sometimes you just wanna punch
yourself in the face.

But then you pick the pen up off the floor by the door where you threw it and sit back down, doing breathing those meditative breaths that sometimes help. You buckle down and you do it. You do the thing. Because you have to do the thing. 

Even if it sucks.

Especially if it sucks.