I am so anxious all the time. I just deleted 600 emails that had accumulated in my inbox because I was afraid to check my email. Do you realize how awful that sounds? What was I afraid was in there? An oogy boogy monster waiting to eat my brain? A gigantic shiny crustacean - a decapod at that?
I am in a constant state of concern and fear that one word I say or think is going to fuck up my entire life. Let's talk about this. I hate phone calls. I go over and over and over and over (did I mention and over yet?) What I've said, what I've thought, how it could impact who I am talking to --
There are maybe 8 people (being generous here) that I am not terrified to be on the phone with. I haven't gone back to school because I'm afraid to finish my FAFSA. I'm afraid I'll break things if I try to fix them. It is so exhausting.
So what do I do? Do I try to swallow it all and just bootstrap it and hide the fact that I am one pluck away from breaking my strings because I am wound so tightly? Do I keep meditating and talking to my Buddha and hope that I can talk myself through? I meditate every night (not afraid to talk to my Buddha on the phone) in the hopes that when I wake up, I'll be calm enough to make a phone call or go into the store or not avert my eyes when someone smiles at me. But lately, I'm crumbling.
Crumbling.
